I’m not in a good space right now. The positive spin on this is that I know rough times foster the need for change, the need to do and act differently, to challenge the status quo and cross over into a better situation. That’s apparently where I am – on the pathway to something better.
Despite knowing this, I of course, still need to get through this bad patch. I fully realise that I can’t keep blaming my past on how I feel today. I know that my reactions and feelings stem from my insecurities and my innate inability to believe that I can be loved. Yet, acknowledgement and awareness is not actually helping me to change how I behave.
I am trying so hard not to be sucked further into this black hole of depression and this pit of self-despair. I try harder to keep a smile on my face and to appear happy. I’ve even started to keep clear of confrontation. Me? Steer away from confrontation? That, in itself, should be a warning sign!
Based on past experience, I recognise all the warning signs: the hyper-sensitivity, the tearfulness, the feelings of being unloved and being unworthy, the increased shopping expenditure and consequent credit card debt, the need to look and feel more in control by focusing on my physical appearance – and yes, shying away from confrontation because I know I’m not emotionally strong enough to handle it at this juncture.
Am I bipolar? Apparently, after chatting to a friend that is bipolar (and doing a bit of ‘google-ing’), I’m not. Is my life, my job, my lifestyle, my relationships, so bad? No. There is no logical answer for my destructive behaviour – except that I do still feel this way. Previously I turned to antidepressants as a miracle cure for my depressive state of mind. I can’t do the same now – after all, surely 50 mg of Zoloft a day should be doing the trick?
Honestly, I don’t have the answers. I am caught in a spiral and I am trying to claw my way out. Hopefully, dear reader, I will succeed, because there is one huge difference between now and the depression I suffered in the past: I can now write about it and openly share my feelings without fear of admonishment or undue remorse. I can draw on the strengths and experiences of other writers and bloggers who are, or have, gone through the same trials and tribulations.
I am not alone.
- Depression and Creativity (trudisutcliffe.wordpress.com)
- Being Married to a Person with Depression or Bipolar:… (psychcentral.com)
- Serotonin and Depression: A Disconnect between the Advertisements and the Scientific Literature (plosmedicine.org)
- What Is It Like to Be Severely Depressed? (psychologytoday.com)
- Depression: Chance or Circumstance? (depressiondontdiscriminate.wordpress.com)
- What doesn’t kill you (alltherestisunwritten.wordpress.com)
- More than the blues (beliefnet.com)
- Depression Test: Am I depressed? (depressedtest.com)
- Depression Screening Test (psychcentral.com)