Category Archives: Heartbreak

A cheater’s guilt – the 1st instalment

It’s time.  Time to share a slice of the sordid Teatart pie – details pertaining to a part of my life that I try to keep hidden as best as possible.

In four words:  “I am a cheater“.  A mask of shame and disgrace I don every day of my life.  It’s the ugly twin that I try to disown, yet without it I would not be the person I am today.  For that I can be grateful.

Before I actually cheated, I looked down in abject disdain at other people who had seemingly tossed their marriage vows to the wolves and committed adultery.  I simply couldn’t understand what would cause a person to act so selfishly.  I even went so far as to question their value system and morals.

Marriage Day

Then I fell into the trap so many others have fallen into. A lethal combination of low self-esteem and lack of emotional fulfilment in my marriage rendered me weak to the flattery of a younger man. He had a crush on me, and I loved the attention.  While my husband of eight years kept putting off my requests to start a family, this young man told me exactly what I needed to hear.  He helped to quell the feelings of inadequacy and rejection that I had kept in check under a thin veil of nonchalance and sarcastic humour.  But it was a lie – a good one – but a lie non-the-less.  I sacrificed my reputation and my marriage; worse, I hurt a good man who had only ever tried to love me.

Hindsight is a wonderful luxury that few of us can afford. If only I had paid heed to the warning signs.  If only I had not met him.  If only I had been stronger.  If only … The crux is that I chose to put my own needs before that of my marriage vows. I broke my promise to be faithful.

cheating

cheating (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

I know much has been said and written on the topic of infidelity. I subscribe to many blogs in which the core topic revolves around this very discussion point.   Over the years, I have read many a book and article on the topic.  Moreover, the point of infidelity has been key in several of my counselling sessions with two different therapists.

The marriage therapist my ex-husband and I sought out at the time described the situation to me in simple terms:  we all have a list of needs in a relationship and we attach different priorities to those needs.  My need for physical and emotional intimacy began to outweigh the other needs on my list, until finally it overpowered everything else.

Some people endeavour to alleviate their pain through drinking, gambling and pornography, amongst other distractions.  An affair was my exit.  Now I live with the regret of one really bad decision made in a moment of pure insecurity and weakness. 

Nothing can accurately describe the guilt of a cheater.  The partner we cheated on is not the only person who gets hurt.  We hurt ourselves too!  And sometimes that hurt can never truly be healed.

Advertisements

The tortured desires of a poet

Poetry is my emotional outlet. It allows me to sort through my feelings and put those innermost, darkest desires and secrets on paper, out in the open for further analysis.

They say a poet is often a tortured soul – and in this I can’t disagree. I never write when I am happy, only when I am conflicted, sad, melancholy and just weighed down by life in general. Every poem I’ve ever written so accurately defines what I was experiencing at that precise moment in time – a snap shot so to speak.

As the soppy romantic I am, I feel life’s twists and turns with exquisite intensity. Many times I feel I have no way forward but to simply document what I am feeling in verse. Writing is my weapon of encouragement. It gives me renewed hope to know that in the months and years to come, my poetry will remind me of how I prevailed over my circumstances and emerged a stronger person, if not marginally more battle scarred!

Today I want to share with you my latest piece of poetry, more of which can be found under “Tea Confessions” if you are interested. Nothing I can say will do it justice; it is what it is: my feelings, however inappropriate :)

Lusting, longing, wanting

I want you
Every minute of every day
You haunt my every thought
Taunt my every desire

I want you
In ways that words can’t explain
With every fibre of my being
I crave you, taste you

I want you
You engulf every sense
Until I am overwhelmed
Until I hanker for your touch

I want you
Exclusively, wholly, completely
Everything good, everything bad
I want it all

I want you
Not in another lifetime
Not in another scenario
Now, today, this moment

I want you.

Related articles

Ten things to do when your heart is breaking

I had to re-home my baby girl last week. I have two beautiful, majestic Dobermanns of which Hayley is my youngest. They are my fur-children.

When I longed to fall pregnant and have children, they filled the emptiness in my heart and gave me renewed purpose. Through my divorce, they gave me a goal to work towards: find a place of my own with a garden big enough for my girls.

They’ve stayed by my side when they sensed how alone I was feeling, they’ve licked my tears when I cried myself to sleep, and they’ve sat calm and still while I hang onto them in times when all I needed was to be loved. They are my babies, and I’ve lavished them with all my attention and affection.

Now, the time has come for me to face the fact that I just can’t offer my youngest Dobe the mental, emotional and physical stimulation she so deserves. As a result, I have had to make the hard decision to find her a new home where she will receive the training and attention she needs to be a well-rounded and happy dog.

My heart is breaking – even though I know, in the long run, it’s for the best. This has led me to explore the things that make me happy and take my mind off the heartache. So here’s my highly recommended list to sooth a sore heart:

  1. Play that favourite feel-good song again, and again, and again … and again! My choice: “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves.
  2. Swipity swipe that shiny piece of beautiful plastic called a Visa credit card, and buy a new pair of sexy stilettos.
  3. Then take those leg-elongating heels out for a night of dancing and cocktails.
  4. Ah, cocktails! A superb Cosmopolitan cocktail poured by a handsome bartender will help ease the pain. Or you can learn how to make a Cosmopolitan at home.
  5. Have a good cry and put that box of tissues to good use.
  6. Run a hot bubble bath and lie in the bubbles until the water is cold and your hands and feet not only look, but feel, like withered prunes. Don’t forget the cooled teabags on your eyes to ease the puffiness after having a good cry (see point 6 above).
  7. Spend a day lounging around home in your pyjamas playing on your iPad or your Playstation while eating chocolate and ice-cream.
  8. Schedule a movie marathon, make a massive bowl of buttery popcorn and settle in for a late night of watching your favourite movies. Tonight, I’m planning to watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers as a start to my movie fest.
  9. Learn and perfect the dance moves to PSY’s Gangnam Style.
  10. Do high tea the Queen’s way: unpack your finest china, brew a teapot of decent Ceylon tea and serve piping hot with a plate of scones topped with a dollop of fresh whipped cream and strawberry jam.

While not a cure for my underlying sadness, I hope that my list of activities will help to occupy my time and thoughts. After all, whether I wish it to or not, the sun will rise again in the morning, and life will continue … with or without me in tow!

Related articles

%d bloggers like this: