Down the depression rabbit hole

I’m not in a good space right now. The positive spin on this is that I know rough times foster the need for change, the need to do and act differently, to challenge the status quo and cross over into a better situation. That’s apparently where I am – on the pathway to something better.

Despite knowing this, I of course, still need to get through this bad patch. I fully realise that I can’t keep blaming my past on how I feel today. I know that my reactions and feelings stem from my insecurities and my innate inability to believe that I can be loved. Yet, acknowledgement and awareness is not actually helping me to change how I behave.

I am trying so hard not to be sucked further into this black hole of depression and this pit of self-despair.  I try harder to keep a smile on my face and to appear happy.  I’ve even started to keep clear of confrontation.  Me? Steer away from confrontation? That, in itself, should be a warning sign!

On the Threshold of Eternity

On the Threshold of Eternity (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Based on past experience, I recognise all the warning signs:  the hyper-sensitivity, the tearfulness, the feelings of being unloved and being unworthy, the increased shopping expenditure and consequent credit card debt, the need to look and feel more in control by focusing on my physical appearance – and yes, shying away from confrontation because I know I’m not emotionally strong enough to handle it at this juncture.

Am I bipolar? Apparently, after chatting to a friend that is bipolar (and doing a bit of ‘google-ing’), I’m not. Is my life, my job, my lifestyle, my relationships, so bad? No. There is no logical answer for my destructive behaviour – except that I do still feel this way. Previously I turned to antidepressants as a miracle cure for my depressive state of mind. I can’t do the same now – after all, surely 50 mg of Zoloft a day should be doing the trick?

Honestly, I don’t have the answers. I am caught in a spiral and I am trying to claw my way out.  Hopefully, dear reader, I will succeed, because there is one huge difference between now and the depression I suffered in the past:   I can now write about it and openly share my feelings without fear of admonishment or undue remorse. I can draw on the strengths and experiences of other writers and bloggers who are, or have, gone through the same trials and tribulations. 

I am not alone.

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14 thoughts on “Down the depression rabbit hole

  1. J. E. Lattimer May 14, 2013 at 10:04 Reply

    I caught this post just before going to sleep tonight- I used to run a health store for a few years & I would always get customers who suffered from depression. The best advice I can give is to eat plenty of organic fruits and vegetables [Since half the battle is about nutrition, no matter what the drug companies say], get plenty of sleep / rest and some sunshine & exercise never hurts either! Have a good one!

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    • Sherrie Dyer-Bracher May 16, 2013 at 10:48 Reply

      Very true – I know we are what we eat. I’m trying to be more diligent with exercise and definitely with what I eat. Hopefully all of these subtle changes will help! Thanks for sharing.

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  2. Samantha Baker May 14, 2013 at 14:35 Reply

    I have recently gone down this hole myself. I’m in therapy but just felt like I was spinning my wheels and drowning in my thoughts. I was on 100mg of Zoloft. My therapist suggested that I’d become tolerant to the Zoloft as I’d been on it for 10 months. (And had previously been on it for about a year about 5 years ago too). She suggested a change to Lexapro. I talked to my dr. who also said that Zoloft does lose it’s effectiveness and switched me over. I can already see a change.

    I also have been doing other things my therapist suggested. Making a goal each day and following through to make SURE I achieve that one thing each day, even if it’s the only thing. Finding a hobby, or getting back to old ones. So I got back into reading for pleasure, not just about infidelity and marriage help books. When I do have the obsessive thoughts, I need to distract myself. So far it’s going a lot better. I still have the thoughts, but I’m not overwhelmed by them.

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    • Sherrie Dyer-Bracher May 16, 2013 at 10:45 Reply

      Thanks Samantha for the good advice. I’m also been considering changing from Zoloft and your experience with it has convinced me to go and chat to my medical practioner about alternative choices. I do think I need to get back to some of my old hobbies – it sounds like you’ve found a path to success!

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      • Samantha Baker May 16, 2013 at 14:03

        I’m really feeling so much better in lexapro. My compulsive thoughts about my husband’s affairs have really quieted down, I can focus again, I feel like me again.

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      • Sherrie Dyer-Bracher May 17, 2013 at 08:19

        I’ve actually read very positive reports on Lexapro, so this is on my list to explore further. I’m glad to hear that you feel more like yourself again … we often need a helping hand to get back on the wagon (so to speak)! :)

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  3. rgonaut May 14, 2013 at 18:57 Reply

    I usually drink more at this point. probably not the best medicine. Hope you feel better soon.

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    • Sherrie Dyer-Bracher May 16, 2013 at 10:42 Reply

      I’m told that many a woe can be drowned in a big glass of red wine ;) Thx rgonaut for the well wishes!

      Like

  4. indytony May 15, 2013 at 00:41 Reply

    I appreciate this post and really like the look of your blog. You are right to be cautious about any mental health diagnosis. Life can be crazy enough without adding a label to it.

    I am a fellow blogger and I’m currently working on a spiritual memoir entitled “Delight in Disorder: Meditations from a Bipolar Mind”. Currently, I’m working on “The Study” chapter where I reflect on books that have impacted my understanding of mental illness as well as list other works of art (books,movies,visual arts, music) worth exploring.

    I’d love for you to visit my site and share what you’ve found helpful. The post is here –

    http://writingforfoodinindy.wordpress.com/2013/05/14/madness-in-media/

    Hope to see you around.

    Like

    • Sherrie Dyer-Bracher May 16, 2013 at 10:50 Reply

      Thanks indytony for such positive comments … and I’m definitely going to stop by and share my thoughts on your site!

      Like

  5. indytony May 19, 2013 at 02:39 Reply

    I just listed you as a mental health blog I follow in a recent post you can find here –

    http://writingforfoodinindy.wordpress.com/2013/05/18/blog-for-mental-health-2013/

    I hope you don’t mind.

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  6. […] Down the depression rabbit hole (teatart.com) […]

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  7. […] Down the depression rabbit hole (teatart.com) […]

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