Teatart

Down the depression rabbit hole

Health and wellness May 14, 2013 Comments: 10

I’m not in a good space right now. The positive spin on this is that I know rough times foster the need for change, the need to do and act differently, to challenge the status quo and cross over into a better situation. That’s apparently where I am – on the pathway to something better.

Despite knowing this, I of course, still need to get through this bad patch. I fully realise that I can’t keep blaming my past on how I feel today. I know that my reactions and feelings stem from my insecurities and my innate inability to believe that I can be loved. Yet, acknowledgement and awareness is not actually helping me to change how I behave.

I am trying so hard not to be sucked further into this black hole of depression and this pit of self-despair. I try harder to keep a smile on my face and to appear happy. I’ve even started to keep clear of confrontation. Me? Steer away from confrontation? That, in itself, should be a warning sign!

On the Threshold of Eternity (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Based on past experience, I recognise all the warning signs: the hyper-sensitivity, the tearfulness, the feelings of being unloved and being unworthy, the increased shopping expenditure and consequent credit card debt, the need to look and feel more in control by focusing on my physical appearance – and yes, shying away from confrontation because I know I’m not emotionally strong enough to handle it at this juncture.

Am I bipolar? Apparently, after chatting to a friend that is bipolar (and doing a bit of ‘google-ing’), I’m not. Is my life, my job, my lifestyle, my relationships, so bad? No. There is no logical answer for my destructive behaviour – except that I do still feel this way. Previously I turned to antidepressants as a miracle cure for my depressive state of mind. I can’t do the same now – after all, surely 50 mg of Zoloft a day should be doing the trick?

Honestly, I don’t have the answers. I am caught in a spiral and I am trying to claw my way out. Hopefully, dear reader, I will succeed, because there is one huge difference between now and the depression I suffered in the past: I can now write about it and openly share my feelings without fear of admonishment or undue remorse. I can draw on the strengths and experiences of other writers and bloggers who are, or have, gone through the same trials and tribulations.

I am not alone.

Depression and Creativity (trudisutcliffe.wordpress.com)
Being Married to a Person with Depression or Bipolar:… (psychcentral.com)
Serotonin and Depression: A Disconnect between the Advertisements and the Scientific Literature (plosmedicine.org)
What Is It Like to Be Severely Depressed? (psychologytoday.com)
Depression: Chance or Circumstance? (depressiondontdiscriminate.wordpress.com)
What doesn’t kill you (alltherestisunwritten.wordpress.com)
More than the blues (beliefnet.com)
Depression Test: Am I depressed? (depressedtest.com)
Depression Screening Test (psychcentral.com)

Celebrating ye olde English of ye olde times

Writing April 30, 2013 Comments: 4

During one of my many trips to Durban and back, I picked up a delightful book on sale at a bookstore in the King Shaka International Airport. Although I paid small change for this book titled “Lost English Words and Phrases That Have Vanished from our Language” by Chris Roberts, this little publication has given me hours of entertainment and is worth its weight in gold.

As is the case with most languages, the addition of words and phrases is dependent on prevailing circumstances and the influx of other cultures, amongst other factors. For example, the two World Wars saw a melting pot of nations and cultures influencing the English language as it was known then. Chris Roberts describes English as possessing the largest vocabulary of any language in the world, an attribute he says is because of the language’s “magpie-like tendency to adopt words from pretty much anywhere as well as having been shaped by successive waves of invaders, bringing with them Danish, Anglo-Saxon and French words”.

This is the true beauty of the English language: its adaptability. As words are added, so other words become obsolete. After paging tirelessly through his book, I’ve picked out a fifteen of my favourite words that are now sadly out of commission.

Poodlefaker:

A term used for a young man, often a newly commissioned officer, who habitually socialised with women. The word “poodle” was 19^th century slang for a woman, and “faker” in this context refers to the pretence of emotions. “Poodlefaker” is a great old word for what we would call a “player” today.

Knickerbockers (knee breeches):

A sort of loose-fitting trouser gathered in at the knee or sometimes the calf. Today the more stylish versions are called cropped pants or Capri’s.

Pully hawly:

The word has a “pull and haul” context. Here, the phrase “pully hawly”, originating in the 18^th century, meant a sexual encounter. So a “pully hawly” is a bit like a “slap and tickle”, a “roll in the hay” or a “romp”.

Oojah:

A word similar to “thingamabob” or “doohickey” used by a person to describe an object or item he/she has temporarily or permanently forgotten.

Pell-mell:

Another descriptive word denotes disorderly or reckless haste. Chaotic, helter-skelter, higgledy-piggledy or jumbled would be good alternatives.

Rubber Johnny:

Simply put, an old English term for a condom

Doxy:

An archaic term for a sexually promiscuous woman.

Rum:

“Rum” was often used as a prefix, either to symbolise admiration or warning, for example, “rum cove” (a dextrous and clever rogue) or “rum doxy” (a beautiful woman).

Sawbones:

An old term for doctor, or more accurately a surgeon.

Vapours:

An attack of the “vapours” would describe a number of mental or emotional conditions such as depression, hysteria, mood swings, fainting etc.

Tussie-mussie:

A small posy of flowers either carried by a bridesmaid or matron of honour at a wedding, or pinned to her dress by means of a small decorative vase. “Tussie-mussie” seems to stem from the medieval word “tussemose” or “tussock”, which is pre-dated by the Victorian era when a bunch of aromatic herbs were carried to disguise unpleasant body odours due to the poor personal hygiene in those days.

Cove:

A “cove” was generally a conventional, home-loving sort of person. The word may have been derived from the Romany word “kova” simply meaning a person or thing.

Egg on your chin:

A polite way of telling a man that his zip or buttons were undone.

Gasper:

“Gasper” is a dated slang word for a cigarette. We call it a “smoke” these days.

Galloping consumption:

“Consumption” was once the most commonly used term for tuberculosis (TB) and therefore “galloping” was the vivid way to describe how the disease consumed and wasted its victims.

The debate of UK English vs American English

Writing April 23, 2013 Comments: 9

I am fascinated with the English language! It’s a passion I learned, late in life, not everyone shares. People enjoy different things for sure! Me? I thrive on researching grammar, spelling and language issues in general.

There is one language related topic in particular that truly blows my hair back: the variances between the use of American English, British English and South African English.

For the record, I do not confess to be an expert on the topic! I am merely an English language buff who has spent a substantial amount of personal time clarifying, in my own mind at least, the correct use of English in writing.

My vocation requires that I edit and write, and being a proud South African, I am continuously irritated at the inconsistencies in magazine and newspaper editorial, amongst others, in relation to the use of American and British English standards. Often – and to my utter dismay – any particular editorial can contain both language styles: the American English standard and the British or UK English standard – all in one writing sample!

What really gets my goat is the spelling of words with “s” or “z” (e.g. organisation or organization) and conflicting sentence punctuation, especially when using quotation marks e.g.:

“It’s a beautiful and sunny day”, Lisa said. She emphasised, “I wonder when it will rain?”.
‘It’s a beautiful and sunny day,” Lisa said. She emphasized, ‘I wonder when it will rain?’

You see, my peers and I were educated to use the “s” and not the “z” – although both are correct in British English, while American English prefers using the “z” only. Yet the “z” creeps persistently into our writing! So which version is correct?

In my humble opinion, South Africans should stick with the following simple language guidelines:

Using British/UK English spelling e.g. programme, cheque, kilogramme, metre, dialogue, neighbour, honour, archaeology etc.
Using the “s” and not the “z” in spelling e.g. organise, analyse, capitalise, emphasise, standardise, urbanise etc.
Using double quotation marks for direct speech and single quotation marks for a quote within a quote.
Placing the comma or period outside the quotation marks unless the comma or period forms part of the quoted material, in which case the punctuation mark is placed inside the quotation marks.
In body text which already contains direct speech using double quotation marks, single quotation marks should be used to highlight or emphasise specific words or to enclose slang and jargon.
Use of hyphens to separate identical letters as in co-operate and re-introduce.
Hyphenating compound modifiers, if used in adjectives before the noun e.g. full-time job, well-known expert, large-scale project. However, if used after the noun, a hyphen is not used e.g. the job is full time, the expert is well known, the project was large scale. Also, modifiers ending in “ly” do not require hyphenation (thanks to www.copyblogger.com for this easy to remember tip)
Hyphenating compound numbers and fractions.

So there you have it! Use it or don’t use it – I’ve put it out there!

Speaking Globish (ofwordsandworlds.wordpress.com)
Is English an International Language? – Part 2 (techcommgeekmom.com)
Use of English Language (everblazingwale1site.wordpress.com)
Death to All Commas! (whatifyoucouldnotfail.typepad.com)
Learn English: Seven Things You Need to Know About British and American English (tutoringtoexcellence.blogspot.com)

Why is the ‘chase’ just so thrilling?

Relationships April 5, 2013 Comments: 4

I’m not sure what it is, but the thrill of the chase is a much coveted game between the sexes. Ok, I lie; I too love a bit of mystery and a few breadcrumbs along the trail when in hot pursuit.

By now you should have realised that I am an undercover psychologist. I missed my true calling to be a clinical psychologist, but nevertheless I still love analysing the reasons behind why people do and act certain ways.

Image from billyspostcards.com

Relationship experts and psychologists seem to allude to a few elements that define why the chase is so exciting. Ego and man’s natural competitive nature to desire the unattainable are high on the list.

In an article in the Huffington Post UK, “Men Really Do Prefer The Thrill Of The Chase, Say Scientists”, relationship expert Dr. Pam Spurr is quoted as saying that “almost everyone – men and women – put a certain added ‘value’ on to something that’s not easily attainable. This is why can feel so good to save up for something like a special dress or handbag – and when you get it just feels priceless”. Dr. Spurr says that “it’s the same with sex and the classic chase – many men find the chase exciting and it strikes their ego to feel they’re the one who is finally going to get her attention – and into bed. Add to this the fact that men are very goal focused and an elusive goal can seem all that much more interesting”.

I think this basically sums up the intentions behind the ‘thrill of the chase’. Yet I would not be me if I didn’t seek out further viewpoints – so I decided to ask a few friends what they thought on the topic. I posed these three questions to four different people and here are their thoughts:

Friend 1 (Male)

Why do you think men like the chase so much?
“I think it’s a well documented fact that men are “hunters” – it stands to reason then that they like the chase.”

What is the ultimate goal?
“The ultimate goal is to make the object of desire his own.”

What happens when the chase is over?
“The chase is never really over, it just changes context. I think the woman should always ensure that she keeps the man chasing…”

Friend 2 (Female)

Why do you think men like the chase so much?
“It is an instinctive behaviour, almost an animal instinct. Men are programmed as the ‘hunters’, it is part of their identity to go out and acquire things, on a most basic level food, shelter, a partner; and as we evolved, men no longer have to physically hunt for food, they focus on other ‘hunting activities’ – women, wealth, status, power, adventure etc.”

What is the ultimate goal?
“In adolescence and early adult life, the chase is a learning process – what behaviour gets what sort of results, as men mature they now have the skills to ‘hunt’ for their life partner. To a large extent, men never stop the ‘hunting game’ – all men want the affirmation that they are capable of ‘chasing and capturing’ someone’s attention or heart.”

What happens when the chase is over?
“For some this means moving into a new phase of life and settling down, building a home and working with their partners to fulfil their joint life goals. For others, they lose interest and need the thrill of a new ‘chase’.”

Friend 3 (Male):

Why do you think men like the chase so much?
“I don’t think its limited to the male species. Maybe from an anthropological and evolutionary point of view it could be justified that because men were the hunters way back when we still express some of those prehistoric traits from our ancestors – but now more than ever the fairer sex from Generation Y are becoming more assertive more dominating.”

What is the ultimate goal?
”It’s all about asserting your dominance, scaling up your ego, proving that you are more than even you think you are, or maybe playing up a fantasy hidden somewhere in the deepest darkest depths of your conscience. Also, let his be known no one ‘chases’ another person knowing that they won’t ‘get’ them.”

What happens when the chase is over?
“For most – it’s onto the next challenge. There is always an insatiable urge in whatever context. People are always chasing something: romance, friendship, sex, acknowledgement, sadism. Generally, people are F!@#ked up!”

Friend 4 (Female):

Why do you think men like the chase so much?
“Only if women pose a challenge do men chase them. If things come to easy for men they lose interest and the novelty or excitement is over.”

What is the ultimate goal?
“Men like to be stimulated.”

What happens when the chase is over?
“Many guy friends have said to me if a woman gives it up to quick and easy nothing is left for them to be excited about.”

The Thrill of the Chase…Men vs Women (relationshipvoice.wordpress.com)
Reboot your relationship (watcostan.wordpress.com)
Why the man has to chase (aloftyexistence.wordpress.com)

How accidents remind us of life’s fragility

Relationships March 11, 2013 Leave a comment

“I’ve been in an accident”, those were the words uttered by my husband on Friday evening. My heart sank as I asked if he’s ok and where the accident took place.

I rushed to put on my shoes and a cardi. Minutes later I was out the door with my cell phone and car keys in hand. My mind was racing as I put my car through its paces rushing to the scene of the accident.

The sight that met my eyes filled me with dread. Ambulances and emergency personnel were on the scene, police vehicles haphazardly parked on the curb. Already one lane on either side of the double carriageway had been closed. Traffic control officials were directing oncoming cars past the accident, and an excited – and growing – crowd of witnesses and bystanders were milling around.

It was through this scene that I half ran, half walked; scanning the crowd for any sign of my husband. He said he was ok on the phone, yet I was filled with uneasiness, anxiously wondering in exactly what state I would find him given the clear severity of the accident.

An older model BMW X5, silver, lay on its roof, its front lamps still illuminating the ground ahead of it. Paramedics worked systematically to release the vehicle’s occupants. It seemed surreal: seeing such methodical calmness amidst such chaos.

Eventually I caught a glimpse of him, standing head and shoulders above those around him. My footsteps sped up. In a few seconds I was clinging to him, my eyes dewy and my heart drumming in my ears. I was praising God that he was ok. Praising God for the fact that he had not taken my husband away from me. Praising God that we would have another day together.

Despite the hard times, despite our differences, despite any challenges we faced together as a couple – all that seemed trivial in light of a crisis that could’ve easily taken his life and separated us forever.

Did I tell him I loved him before he left the house that evening? I realised that I hadn’t. The lesson couldn’t be more pertinent. Every day is a blessing. Every day could be our last. The people we love the most in our lives are often the ones we take for granted.

Thankfully my husband walked away with only minor injuries. I am eternally grateful – now I have another chance to tell him I love him … every single day … for the rest of our lives.

Sweaty armpits and BO crimes against humanity

Body Changes March 5, 2013 Leave a comment

What’s that smell? Amazingly, as soon as we smell something stinky, our first reaction is to take a deeper whiff! And that’s just what I did! Standing in the isle of my local grocery store, breathing in deeply while taking a quick look around to try to pinpoint the source of the stench.

My brain is working at 6000 revs per minute to solve the odour crime against humanity. An internal dialogue takes place in literally one-tenth of a second.

“Is the stench a silent but deadly fart?”
“No …”

“Stinky feet?”
“Nobody has their shoes off …”

“Smelly perfume?”
“Hmmmm, close …”

“Body odour?”
“BINGO!”

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The culprit is a young man standing behind me in the isle gazing forlornly at the neatly stacked cans of deodorant. Clearly he’s come to the right section, but golly gosh, why did he leave it for so long? The body odour (BO) is so bad that my eyes are actually watering!

Once I’ve grabbed my husband and the trolley and dart around the corner, I instantly feel guilty. Some people do have a problem with excessive sweating and body odour. In fact, I myself have been experiencing some … er … problems in the armpit arena (blush).

My sweaty tale of woe started when I went off the contraceptive pill last year. I had been on the pill, without a break, since I was 17. However, with plans to prepare my body to start a family, I decided to go off the pill at the ripe age of 34.

Little did I know what horrors were awaiting me. Besides developing an oily skin with pimple breakouts that is reminiscence of my teens, the worst was the change in my natural body scent. Suddenly my deodorants, roll-ons and perfumes didn’t smell so kosher. I was definitely perspiring a lot more too. I was mortified. I had never, never had a problem with how I smelt and yet, there I was, an honorary member of the BO Offenders.

One year has passed, and truthfully I’m still battling to find a suitable antiperspirant. I’ve found one deodorant that seems to work better than the rest and thankfully, any armpit aromas are limited to one week a month, which is linked to when I am ovulating.

Over and above carrying my trusty deo can in my handbag, I’ve done a little research on the subject of BO due to hormonal changes. Apparently supplements such as a combination of Vitamin B and Magnesium, or Zinc and Magnesium, may just help my little problem. The article I read also suggested Chlorophyll tablets. As an added precaution, I need to curb my soaring coffee intake as caffeine is an alleged BO accomplice.

Maybe I should’ve passed this good advice onto that poor young man in the grocery store? Somehow though, I don’t think hormones are the cause of his troubles. I’m sure a good bath and a strong antiperspirant will easily solve his problem.

Are you wasting money on deodorant? The answer can be found in your ears | Suzi Gage (guardian.co.uk)
Don’t sweat it: gene can prevent body odour (independent.ie)
Fear Of Stink: A Century In The Making (cenblog.org)
Why Your Deodorant is Killing Your Love Life! (rohan7things.wordpress.com)
One million people who have non-body odour gene still use deodorant: study (telegraph.co.uk)
Natural Deodorants – Worth The Money? (suzannadoll.com)
Are you wasting money on deodorant? The answer can be found in your ears. (thetruthiswhere.wordpress.com)

When to follow your heart

Personal Development, Relationships February 19, 2013 Comments: 2

From famous quotes and song lyrics, to words of advice and the guiding life stories of others, we are told again and again to listen to our hearts, to follow our hearts, to be directed by our hearts.

Apparently the heart knows best; and if we follow the heart’s instinct over the mind’s logic, we are set for success. Personally, I’ve chosen to believe my heart over logic. “The heart has eyes which the brain knows nothing of” in the apt words of Charles H. Perkhurst.

But can our hearts lead us astray? The blatant truth is that yes, it can! François de La Rochefoucauld tells us that “the heart is forever making the head its fool”. Another profound insight is that “the human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?” (Jeremiah 17:9).

Our hearts sometimes desire things which we know – if we practise rational thinking – are just not plausible or even possible. Sometimes, what our hearts crave is just plain wrong! That’s not to say that dreams and ambitions are wrong, it’s just that each situation we encounter warrants a bit more of a combination approach: listening to our heart AND that of logical thought.

I’ve fallen in love with men that I knew were not right for me, pursued relationships in full knowledge that they were doomed to failure, trusted people despite the facts … and in short, have made many bad decisions that could’ve easily been avoided if I didn’t just follow my heart blindly.

The moral of the story is to “follow your heart – but take your brain with you.” (unknown author)

The Worst Advice Ever (lelightoftheworld.wordpress.com)
Follow Your Heart- Not so fast! (gwendolynndedanaan.wordpress.com)
Follow Your Heart (findyourparadigm.com)

Teatart

Down the depression rabbit hole